Tag Archives: sleeping

I’m a Schmuck.

994710_10151975608633860_692108589_nMy patience is not never-ending, and by the end of the day, I’m usually pretty frayed.  Which is why I absolutely suck at the bedtime routine. The slightest, always probable obstacle to a smooth bedtime process puts me in the foulest of moods and I end the night being angry at my children. I don’t ever want to end a day like that, and too often on the days that I put them to bed (thankfully rare), that’s how it ends up.

Normally, the spirited one (5 years old) is bouncing off the bed or doing handstands against the wall. The youngest (3 years old) is exhausted and just wants to go to sleep, but the squealing upside down tornado prohibits this. As I soothe him with belly rubs, the hurricane is belting out Jingle Bells and it’s only when I get angry that she slows herself down a little. Only then will she try to whisper Jingle Bells. So that’s how it ends. Me angry. Feeling like a schmuck.

Inevitably, my guilt burns at me and I have to go check on them a while later, to kiss their little faces and tell them how much I love them. Best case scenario is they are both asleep. But tonight, the typhoon was still awake. Frankly, I’m not sure tranquilizer darts would work on her. So I snuggled her for half an hour, kissed her face over and over, told her how much I loved her. But I still wish it was different. No, I wish I was different.

I’m tired of punishments. I’m tired of taking away whatever the flavor of the day is in order to get the behavior I want. I’m tired of making threats and having to carry them through. I’ve gotten much better during the day but I’m still ragged by the end of the evening.   I want an alternative to “do XYZ or else . . .” but I have no idea what that alternative is.

Ideas?

 

Toddler Creed

  1. 40739_440189618859_7599956_nWhen in doubt, brute force is the answer.
  2. What’s mine is mine, what’s yours is mine. Anything I see is mine, even if I haven’t seen it yet.
  3. Randomly yelling “NO!!” is therapeutic, even if someone wasn’t talking to you.
  4. “No” is the answer for all questions. Always.
  5. Mommy & Daddy can read minds.
  6. Food is discretionary.  Have Mommy make a meal and only eat one bite.
  7. Better yet, just look at the food. Don’t touch it.
  8. No, no. Touch it by flinging it across the room. Watch it fly!!!
  9. Or taste everything.
  10. Then spit it out.
  11. Then smear it all over the floor, the walls, clothes and TV. Woo-Hoo!
  12. New toys are great, but only in someone else’s house. Once the same toy is at home, don’t play with it.
  13. Call out for Mommy every 2 minutes. Even if you don’t need her. Just make sure she is there. Keeps her on her toes.
  14. The second you see an adult close their eyes, jump on them.
  15. Repetition is the key to getting what you want. Just keep asking. They’ll cave.
  16. Sleep is unnecessary. Fight it all the way. Unless you are in the car for a really short journey. Then it’s perfect.
  17. Getting dressed is a game. See how quickly Mommy will chase you.
  18. Nothing gets their attention faster than poop.
  19. Screaming is valid form of communication. The louder the better.
  20. When all else fails, run.

Top 5 things every parent should know.

  1. Kids don’t sleep. The phrase “sleeping like a baby” is there just to torment you. Babies rarely sleep, unless they are being held or attached to a boob. Other than that, they’ll spend possibly their first two years waking every two hours. Yes, I said years. You will become a zombie whose sole purpose in life is to keep the kid(s) alive until bedtime. At such a time, you will (again) go to bed desperately hoping tonight will be the night that (s)he sleeps through the night. It won’t.
  2. Pictures of kids with food all over their faces are never cute. Ever. Even though you think your cherub is adorable, no one else will. The older the child, the more horrendous it becomes.
  3. Stop buying toys. The most entertainment your child will get from any toy is watching you impale yourself on it a hundred times, mostly in the middle of the night (see #1) when you’re trying to be quiet.
  4. You will become that parent. That will be anything that annoyed you before you had kids and vowed you would never let your child do.
  5. Young children are uncivilized little beasts with zero self-control who give you a glimpse of what it is like to live with a mental patient. Oddly enough, you will worship these illogical, egocentric time bombs.