Category Archives: Humor

Top 5 things every parent should know.

  1. Kids don’t sleep. The phrase “sleeping like a baby” is there just to torment you. Babies rarely sleep, unless they are being held or attached to a boob. Other than that, they’ll spend possibly their first two years waking every two hours. Yes, I said years. You will become a zombie whose sole purpose in life is to keep the kid(s) alive until bedtime. At such a time, you will (again) go to bed desperately hoping tonight will be the night that (s)he sleeps through the night. It won’t.
  2. Pictures of kids with food all over their faces are never cute. Ever. Even though you think your cherub is adorable, no one else will. The older the child, the more horrendous it becomes.
  3. Stop buying toys. The most entertainment your child will get from any toy is watching you impale yourself on it a hundred times, mostly in the middle of the night (see #1) when you’re trying to be quiet.
  4. You will become that parent. That will be anything that annoyed you before you had kids and vowed you would never let your child do.
  5. Young children are uncivilized little beasts with zero self-control who give you a glimpse of what it is like to live with a mental patient. Oddly enough, you will worship these illogical, egocentric time bombs.


How To Put A Toddler To Bed in 100 Easy Steps

How To Put A Toddler To Bed in 100 Easy Steps

Author: The Honest Toddler

  1. Announce that it’s time to go to bed.
  2. Wait for your toddler to stop crying

  3. Explain that  bedtime is not a punishment

  4. Explain that bedtime is not a new concept.

  5. Explain that, yes, bedtime will happen every night.

  6. Console your toddler.

  7. Announce that it’s still bedtime.

  8. Let your toddler know that we don’t call names in this house.

  9. Tell your toddler it’s time to go upstairs.

  10. Watch your toddler move at a snail’s pace.

  11. Wait for your toddler to stop crying.

  12. Pick up your toddler.

  13. Walk your toddler upstairs.

  14. Pick out the wrong pair of pajamas for your toddler

  15. Pick out another wrong pair of pajamas for your toddler

  16. Explain that the right pair of pajamas are in the wash.

  17. Explain that you will not be doing a load of laundry this evening

  18. Console your toddler while he/she cries

19 Explain that in this house we don’t call names

  1. Watch your toddler struggle to get into his/her pajamas
  • Ask your toddler if you can help.

  • Continue watching your toddler struggle.

  • Watch your toddler try to wear a pair of pants like a shirt.

  • Console your toddler.

  • Put the wrong pair of pajamas on your toddler.

  • Announce that it’s time to brush teeth.

  • Explain the benefits of dental hygiene.

  • Console your toddler.

  • Carry your toddler into the bathroom.

  • Put a microscopic amount of toothpaste (poison) on to the toddler toothbrush.

  • Wet toothbrush.

  • When your toddler opens his/her mouth 1/45th of an inch wide, attempt to clean teeth

  • Your toddler will attempt to spit in the sink, but will actually spit on the counter. Clean it up.

  • Console your toddler.

  • Ask your toddler to pick out two books.

  • Toddler will pick out the two longest books in your home.

  • Read the first line of every third page of the two books.

  • Field unrelated questions and interruptions.

  • Tell toddler it’s time for a goodnight kiss.

  • Toddler will be suddenly and urgently thirsty, give toddler a small drink of water.

  • Toddler will ask a question. Answer question.

  • Say “goodnight” and kiss toddler.

  • Toddler will ask for a hug. Hug toddler.

  • Toddler will take up a sudden interest in potty training and ask to use the bathroom. It’s poop.

  • Help toddler in the bathroom. Notice that there is no poop.

  • Todder may become afraid. Assure toddler that there is nothing to be afraid of.

  • Toddler will ask a question about life. Answer question.

  • Toddler will need another hug and kiss. Give hug and kiss.

  • Toddler needs to urinate. Help toddler in the bathroom. Notice that toddler actually urinates.

  • Toddler requires a sticker for urinating successfully.

  • Put a sticker on toddler’s potty chart.

  • Toddler may want to tell you a brief ten minute story. Listen to story while backing out of the room.

  • Turn off the light.

  • Toddler remembers that he/she needs a special stuffed animal.

  • Ask where the stuffed animal is.

  • Toddler tells you it’s in the car. Find your keys and look in the car. It’s not there.

  • Look in the living room.

  • Look in the kitchen.

  • Look in the backyard.

  • Scout the neighbor’s property.

  • Find the toy in your toddler’s room, under the bed.

  • Ask toddler if he/she knew the toy was under their bed.

  • Toddler will ask for dinner. Explain to toddler that dinner ended hours ago.

  • Toddler will cry that he/she is hungry. Explain to toddler that he/she should have eaten said dinner.

  • Explain that we do not call people in this house names.

  • Toddler will ask for hug and kiss. Hug and kiss toddler.

  • Toddler will ask you to help arrange his/her pillows and blankets. Arrange pillows and blankets.

  • Toddler will ask you to three essay questions. Answer them.

  • 69.  Toddler will notice that the tag end of the blanket is next to his/her face and will kick it off.  Fix blanket, this time with care and precision.

    1. Toddler will ask for the hall light on. Turn on the hall light.

    2. Toddler will ask for another story. Explain that there will be no more stories.

    3. Toddler will ask what the plan for tomorrow is. Resist the urge to say, “I won’t be here. I’m running away tonight.”

    4. Tell toddler “goodnight.:

    5. Toddler will say his/her back, legs, or butt is itchy.

    6. At your discretion, try to relieve itchiness through lotion or wipes.

    7. Put toddler back in bed.

    8. Arrange blanket in the proper formation.

    9. Say goodnight.

    10. Toddler will say “Goodnight.”

    11. As you reach the door, toddler will inform you that he/she is not wearing socks.

    12. Choose the wrong pair of socks for your toddler.

    13. Choose another wrong pair of socks for your toddler.

    14. Choose the right pair of socks for your toddler.

    15. Put the right pair of socks the wrong way on your toddler’s feet.

    16. Put the right pair of socks the wrong way on your toddler’s feet.

    17. Get the right pair of socks the right way on your toddler’s feet.

    18. Use your last thread of energy to stand.

    19. Say “goodnight.”

    20. Toddler will say “goodnight.”

    21. As you leave the room, toddler will ask for a sip of water with pathetic sad look on face.

    22. Give toddler sip of water and beg to be released from this hades.

    23. Toddler will ask for a back rub/tapping.

    24. Tap toddler’s back until you lose feeling in your arm and your toddler seems tired.

    25. Slowly stop tapping. Stand up. Try to float out of the room.

    26. Toddler will look at you. Say, “it’s time to go to bed.”

    27. If toddler cries, pretend to be serious this time.

    28. Say “goodnight.”

    29. Act like you’re walking downstairs but just linger by the door, out of sight.

    30. Pray

    31. Walk downstairs
      You may now relax for 2-5 minutes before you’re called back in. Congrats!

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